I'm not really good at this...

Rain outside my window pouring down
What now, your gone, my fault, I'm sorry
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down
Now it's, too late, to turn it around
I'm sorry for the tears I made you cry
I guess this time it really is goodbye
You made it clear when you said
I just don't love you no more

- Craig David

On Love... I guess I'm really no expert when it comes to this topic. I don't claim supremacy on relationships and stuffs like that (unlike geography... haha). This is just another entry from a worthless night, wasting my time in front of my computer instead of doing something productive.

I don't believe I have ever been in love - with another person. I love myself. Maybe that's the problem, I really can't focus on a relationship because I'm too concerned about me. I'm afraid I'm the one going to be hurt - unaware that the other person would be hurting just as well. I'm too concerned that ako ang dehado - unaware that we're sharing the exact same sentiments. It has always been about ME all my life. I know I'm selfish - I'm trying to change, believe me, but I can't just sleep and not be who I am the next day. Leopards don't really change their spots overnight. Damn cliches. I know I want to always be the center of attention. The one everyone talks about, kahit na masama - ok lang. Just as long as it's me. But I don't want that anymore. I don't care if no one looks at me anymore, or talks to me. As long as you're there, by my side, I'm complete...

I don't believe I have ever been in love with another person. That's bull! The fact is, I know I love you... Hoping that somehow you still love me just as much as you tolerated all my insanities for the last three years.

On promises... I won't give any. I will live each day, hoping each day is with you. Until you're not happy with me anymore. And even if that day comes, I'll still be by your side should you call. No questions asked. One thing I'll promise, no other person will replace that deepest spot in my heart meant only for you. Even if he's so perfect, with perfect teeth and eyes, strong jaws and facial features which I really like. Boyish features, pointed nose and a perfect smile. Intelligent and strong-willed to boot. Haaay! Joke! Luckily he has someone else already and I'm not the kind who'll break them apart to just get what I want - or am I. Joke ulit.

I'm lucky to have found you. (See, I'm changing already, I didn't add, "and you're lucky to have me too..."). Only time will tell when you'll let me in again. But I'm willing to wait. For whatever reason, I'm willing to wait.

Toodles!

=============================================================

Another Chance

If we could only wait
For another day
Then maybe we can give ourselves another chance
That we may go on
With a love that's strong
And we can prove ourselves
That we can be one

But now that you're too far away
I don't know what to do or say
Will you lend a helping hand when I need one?

We can have another chance
If we could learn to understand
Now I'm sure you'll see me cry
Now you said your last goodbye
Since then I promised to myself
This heart will never
Fall in love again

When I close my eyes
I can still recall
All the laughter and the joy that made us whole
Like a fairytale
Creeping to my dreams
Those happy moments
That each day with you did bring

Now that you're too far away
I don't know what to do or say
Can I forget these dreams
And leave them all behind

We can have another chance
If we could learn to understand
Now I'm sure you'll see me cry
Now you said your last goodbye
If we could only just hang on
Yes we can have it all
I don't know how our love will hold
If both of us will try
Then we can have it all

We can have another chance
If we could learn to understand
Now I'm sure you'll see me cry
Now you said your last goodbye
Still alone a hope grows even more
That we can try and we can have it all
We can have it all

If we could have another chance...

I can't believe I'm writing in here again. Why? Work is cancelled because of the storm and I have all the time in the world (for at least the next 18 hours or so...).

Speaking of work, uhm... well, I can't think of anything to write about it. Why did I bring it up anyway. It's a boring subject to talk about. Nothing new, except for, ehem... Haha, hay, the reason I always get up in the morning and stop myself from resigning... (joke lang, D).

One thing I'm missing nowadays are my friends. That's not one actually but collectively taken na rin. I miss the way we just hang out sa tambayan when there's no class. I miss the way we laugh at the passersby. I miss the way we make chismis and try to know everything that goes on about school, even though it's not our business. I miss the way we try to look-out for cuties and stalk some, hahaha. I even miss the way we cried for so many reasons, reasons I can't tell. I even miss classes (not miss class as in not attend class, but really miss classes) and the way we pass the time, passing notes around.

It's just that, I can't believe four years have passed so quickly... Four years filled of meaningful and fabulous (I just love that word) friendship. Secrets shared, tears cried, laughters given... all that and more. Mich, Ria, Jacq... Thanks for sharing it with me, no I'm not dying, just being a sentimental fool...

I haven't been able to update my blog since I was employed last June 30 and was too pre-occupied to even write something about my boring and monotonous life.

I got my first pay last thursday (surprisingly) and I haven't had the opportunity to waste it. The working environment is so much different from what I am accustomed too, though. It seems much tougher, and it's not the grades that will be affected when something goes wrong, it's the pay. I have encountered different kinds of people so far and I have learned so much even in a short span of time.

I just wish I could be more like myself. My old self.

Twenty-one years of existence. Whew! It's hard to live. Not that I'm complaining though. I just turned legal yesterday and I have no idea where I'm gonna take the next twenty-one more years of my miserable and sympathetic life.

I do plan, however, to make the most out of my next twenty-one years of existence (hmm, I don't even know if I'll live that long). After my 21st birthday, I realized that time really passes so quickly. I remember I was just playing in the streets yesterday, so carefree and happy. Now, I'm so miserable trying to find the perfect job to live the perfect life I dreamt of when I was playing in that street of dreams.

It's not my standards are so high. Exactly the opposite. I'm easily pleased and I'm almost always contented with what I have. I'm miserable because everyone else around me thinks that I'm worth more than what I want. Or the other way around. They think I'm not worth than what I want. I don't think I'm making any sense but that's what I feel.

It's getting long so I'll cut it here kasi wala na namang kwenta ang pinagsasabi ko. Another one of my random thoughts.

Maybe that's the problem. I feel no pressure whatsoever to go and look for a job.

I graduated April of this year. The month of May has passed and my name can still be found on the unemployed list of this country. I wouldn't say I have not been looking for a job; I am. I already did two exams and I passed both. The problem though, is not the exams. It's the interviews. I really have no idea how to handle interviews. I have no idea how to answer questions the interviewer throws at me. And I'm not the ahm-uhm-ah type that can't answer questions straight. I may not be one, but hell, I can surely answer any questions thrown at me. I'm guessing interviewers might feel intimidated by me instead of me being intimidated by them. Hah, that's what three years of debating has done for me. Talk about drawbacks. I guess I should cut down and add a little ahm-uhm-ah on my next interview and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get a job.

Now let's dream here. What will I do with my first paycheck? Well, I'm gonna give half of it (whatever the amount may be) to my mom and let her do whatever she wants with it. It's just a little gift for all the years she worked hard for us, me especially, to get everything we wanted. Now the other half, I'm gonna keep and try to save for my future house. Haha, tough luck!

I already have a list of my short-term (some may be long-term) things to buy:
1. First, I would have to get braces. I mean come on, I have wanted to get one (and my dentist have recommended me to get one) since I was in grade school.
2. Next, I'll get a set of the Harry Potter books from the first to the sixth, hardbound. It's about time I get one, so I'll only order the seventh one when it comes on sale.
3. I'll also buy clothes and shoes and clothes and shoes and clothes and shoes and clothes and shoes and did I tell you, uhmm, yeah, clothes and shoes.
4. Fourth, I want a laptop just for fun.
5. Also, I would like to buy a car. Even if it's a second hand one.
6. Oh, that's it there's no sixth.

I guess I'll have to wait a little longer for these to come true. Back to jobstreet.com for me. Ciao!

Another season of my favorite reality shows have ended. There's really something about these shows that keeps me hooked.

Survivor, for example, has me hooked since its pilot season. As the twelfth installment of the show concludes, I still look forward to the next season. This season may very well be my favorite of all, ver close to the second one, the Australian Outback. Every season, I choose two contestants, one male and one female as my pick and luckily, this season's final two are my picks. Aras Baskauskas really deserved to win over Danielle. Many would say that Terry should have won but for me, he's so arrogant and cocky that I do not want him to win. It's one thing when one contestant deserves to win when he dominates through the entire game, like Tom, winner of Survivor: Palau. Terry was nothing like that. Aras, on the other hand, was really cool about things and made it through the end. Congrats!


Consequently, the latest season of The Amazing Race, my second fave reality show, also ended. My favorite team, Eric and Jeremy, made it to the final three but ultimately lost to BJ and Tyler. The Hippies deserved to win this one, no questions asked. Although Eric and Jeremy were leading up to the final task, their lack of, uhm... upstairs, made them lose. So the Hippies pulled away and won. The title of the show is really fitting because no other word can sum everything the contestants experienced. It's amazing. You need not only strength and speed but also experience, intelligence and luck.

Finally, American Idol 5 ended and Taylor Hicks is the winner. Although, since the start, I was cheering for Chris, I though Taylor deserved to win based on the final performances of the final two. Katharine was my bet but she didn't sound excellent that final performance night. So congrats to Taylor.

Oh and also, Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition concluded last Saturday. Congrats to Kim Chiu. You deserve to win!

I just watched the third installment of X-Men and I was a bit disappointed. True, there was much more action scenes than the past two movies but I felt like the story was a completely different one.

Aside from the story picking-up from the last movie, there was so little connection from the first two. Cyclops died after about ten minutes into the movie because of ... surprise, Jean! Did they not pay James Marsden enough? It was Jean as the Phoenix though, but not the fire Phoenix we know from the comic books or at least from the animated series before. It was just an evil version of Jean Grey.

Another flaw I noticed is the disappearance of Kurt Wagner aka Nightcrawler from the third movie. I mean come on, I know the dude can teleport but including out of the movie?!? Oh and one of the biggest shock, Xavier died. He was not so powerful after all. Rogue also did not join the BIG BATTLE since she's pre-occupied with her issues. Her problem was solved at the end, but not the way I want it to be. Maybe she was really left out of the battle since she doesn't have an active power fit for a battle. I also didn't like the sudden, as in very sudden, appearance of Shadowcat and Colossus. Hello?!? Don't they need some sort of introduction? Their second movie appearance was not enough for them to be included in the BIG BATTLE.

What I liked though are the new concepts introduced. I didn't know before that there are Mutant Levels and Jean Grey was the most powerful one at Level 5 (Magneto was at a mere Level 3). I did like the concept of Wolverine being the only one who can beat Jean because of his healing powers. Since one of the Phoenix's powers is to completely obliterate someone and turn them to ashes. She can't do it to Wolverine since he heals quickly. I also liked the development of Bobby Drake from an Ice Boy to the Ice Man we all know. He defeated Pyro by turning into the Ice Man, literally covered with ice from head to toe. Lastly, I also liked the defeat of Magneto. Talk about giving him a dose of his own medicine.

Now I wonder, why give it the title "The Last Stand" if it's not the last? Towards the end, we see Magneto's powers coming back and if you believe that patience is a virtue and waited until the credits are over, you'll see Moira, Professor X's nurse from the animated series nursing ... yep, you guessed it.

I miss my college friends. I miss them so much I needed to document it to remember how much I miss them at this moment. Hellen Keller may be right in saying that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." And maybe I do take it for granted because we see each other everyday for four years and there are times when I do not want to be with them but I really do miss them now.

I miss them more now that I have to face reality, find a job, and get money to survive. It seems only yesterday when I met them on our first day in June of 2002. Most would say that high school is their best times. For me, it's my college years. Hope to see you guys soon!